How do you know if you’re an adult?
It’s a question I’ve asked myself a lot over the last few years.
I pondered it during my college graduation, considered it on the day of my wedding, and thought that I needed one’s permission to buy my house. While I’m not sure when I became an adult I do know the exact date that the childhood door slammed shut. April 10, 2009. The day I spent my day off moving a giant pile of dirt by hand. Dirt that I not only paid for but that I was excited to get.
Folks, only grownups get excited about dirt.
And I was excited as a lovely little man named Sid backed up his dump truck and unleashed three yards of dirt all over my driveway. What a thrill to know that it was only 9am and I had the entire day to load and unload my wheelbarrow. For those who have forgotten I have a giant hole in my backyard from a pond. This pond had become a soul sucking abyss and it had to be destroyed. Thus Sid and his dirt.
My plan was simple.
Step 1) Fill wheelbarrow
Step 2) Maneuver wheelbarrow through garage into backyard
Step 3) Empty contents of wheelbarrow into the pit.
Step 4) Repeat steps 1-3
And it was working. Oh sure I had a couple of close calls where my cat like balance nearly failed me (Dropped a bit of dirt in the exact spot my wife parks) but after a couple of hours I was feeling pretty good. The Monster Abyss was dying and the pile was shrinking. Another hour and I was nearly done with plenty of dirt left over. Or so I thought. As I pondered what other projects I could do I took my first steps across my new yard.
Kids, did you know that trapped air under fresh dirt acts just like quick sand?
I didn’t.
(Hey just because I’m an adult doesn’t mean I’m not stupid.)
I dug myself out; made sure I didn’t break my ankle, and then cursed the gods of home renovation.
As I packed the rest of the dirt down I came to the horrible realization that I didn’t buy enough dirt. Worse it was Easter weekend and no one was going to be open to deliver me more.
Crap!
The rest of the day was a blur of cursing, trips to Lowes, and unloading bag after bag after bag of top soil.
But at last I emerged the victory. The Abyss was full(ish) and I hadn’t killed anyone. I consider that a good day.
The lesson here: You can never have enough dirt.
--Schoonaert.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Things in my brain
In these tough economic times we need a moral booster. If I were running the show I’d make it legal for a person to punch three people a year. Now here me out, January 1st everybody would get a little coupon book in the mail.
It’d read: Good for one free punch. No tag backs.
Picture it. You’re in line at the 10 items or less line. Jimmy McDumbfuck has a cart with 27 items. As he pours his bag of nickels on the counter to pay you punch the shit out of his neck. Jimmy starts to get mad when you present him with your coupon. He grumbles, collects his Slim Jims and walks off. How awesome would that be?!?
No? Yes? Maybe? Well, I’d dig it.
Rachael and I are slowly (oh so slowly) making progress on the Yard-Of-Doom! In our attempts to make the backyard look less evil, we’ve circled the trees in Sand Pebbles. I won’t bore you with the details but basically we spent a Sunday driving back and forth from Lowes, our car loaded down with bags of stone. It’s an odd thing to be in the back seat of your own car while shotgun is occupied by bags of rocks. Stranger still when said rocks are buckled in like a child. (This is what happens when you don’t own a truck, kids.)
Rush Limbaugh makes me sad inside.
During my lunch hour I escape to a local park where my car radio keeps me company. For some reason my car gets very few AM stations. (AM. I know. What can I say? I likes me some talk radio.) For the most part my options are ESPN or Rush.
I’m a sports guy so this usually isn’t a problem. But on occasion I’ll tune into Rush.
Ahh, Rush.
Have you ever seen Hook?
You know that scene where Peter Pan’s little girl frowns at Captain Hook and scolds: “You need a Mommy very badly!” That’s Rush.
Hmm.
Could Rush Limbaugh, Icon of aggression, elitism, and generally unpleasantness in fact be Captain James Hook?!? Hey it makes more sense than Robin Williams being Peter Pan. I must test this theory.
Perhaps I’ll call into the show and hold a ticking clock next to the phone.
--BJS
It’d read: Good for one free punch. No tag backs.
Picture it. You’re in line at the 10 items or less line. Jimmy McDumbfuck has a cart with 27 items. As he pours his bag of nickels on the counter to pay you punch the shit out of his neck. Jimmy starts to get mad when you present him with your coupon. He grumbles, collects his Slim Jims and walks off. How awesome would that be?!?
No? Yes? Maybe? Well, I’d dig it.
Rachael and I are slowly (oh so slowly) making progress on the Yard-Of-Doom! In our attempts to make the backyard look less evil, we’ve circled the trees in Sand Pebbles. I won’t bore you with the details but basically we spent a Sunday driving back and forth from Lowes, our car loaded down with bags of stone. It’s an odd thing to be in the back seat of your own car while shotgun is occupied by bags of rocks. Stranger still when said rocks are buckled in like a child. (This is what happens when you don’t own a truck, kids.)
Rush Limbaugh makes me sad inside.
During my lunch hour I escape to a local park where my car radio keeps me company. For some reason my car gets very few AM stations. (AM. I know. What can I say? I likes me some talk radio.) For the most part my options are ESPN or Rush.
I’m a sports guy so this usually isn’t a problem. But on occasion I’ll tune into Rush.
Ahh, Rush.
Have you ever seen Hook?
You know that scene where Peter Pan’s little girl frowns at Captain Hook and scolds: “You need a Mommy very badly!” That’s Rush.
Hmm.
Could Rush Limbaugh, Icon of aggression, elitism, and generally unpleasantness in fact be Captain James Hook?!? Hey it makes more sense than Robin Williams being Peter Pan. I must test this theory.
Perhaps I’ll call into the show and hold a ticking clock next to the phone.
--BJS
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Grab Bag
Howdy.
I've been in a bit of a funk lately and not really in the mood for blogging. So I thought I'd transfer a couple of posts from my old Myspace blog. I'm planning on killing my Myspace page soon so this site will be a life raft for some odd bits. I'll be back soon with some funky fresh words and phrases, but for now this will have to do. Enjoy.
Friday, May 23, 2008
You down with DVD?
About a year ago I got one of those DVD burners. I thought it would be nice (aka cheap) to copy some of my old college footage and give it to my groomsmen as wedding gifts. Now, with a potential home purchase, I'm trying to avoid lugging my massive VHS collection into a new dwelling. For those of you without one of these suckers it's pretty sweet. You simply put in the tape, hit record, and whammy! Easily stored (and durable) digital goodness. The real fun though is seeing all the crap I've recorded over the years. It's funny how you misremember some events. Examples:
1) I always thought I was a cute, precocious, and all around swell child. However, thanks to cruel cold video, I found that I was an obnoxious, hyperactive, package of evil. I remember vividly doing "funny" things as a child. Making the adults laugh with my quick wit. Turns out no one was laughing. It's a strange thing to watch a small child on the television machine and wish them harm.
2) Brian Schoonaert is not funny. Watching college footage now and I hear myself cutting jokes. People laugh but I think that was just from alcohol.
3) Good lord we drank a lot in College!
4) My college friends, both male and female, were (are) good looking people. Honestly kids, go online and watch some YouTube footage of college kids. Not Spring Break crap, like house parties. Chances are they are uglier than my Ball State peeps.
5) Ryan Biggs is funny. Of course I knew this, but I didn't realize just how well his humor held up. I'm watching footage from nearly a decade ago and cracking up. Of course if you don't know Biggs this means nothing to you. Feel free to skip down.
6) Network television has offered up some strange programming over the years and, for some reason, I've recorded most of it. Old Godzilla movies, documentaries on Bozo The Clown (not to be confused with Bozo The Accountant), pro wrestling from Japan, etc., Not only have these treasures been watched by myself, but I felt the need to record them. I know. I'm strange.
7) My Mom had a great laugh.
--BJS
Monday, April 07, 2008
Things I learned over the weekend
1) I’m old.
I say this because I now go to the mall and am shocked, shocked I say, by what the young whippersnappers are wearing. A ten-year-old’s ass should not be "juicy" nor should it be covered by scraps of cloth that I’m told are shorts. This just tells me that clothes are designed by pervy old men. You don’t see guys having to wear ass huggers with "oak" printed on the crotch. Just weird.
And while I’m on the subject, I know some of you loyal readers are volleyball fans; explain to me why women have to wear the little bike shorts and guys don’t. What’s the logic behind that? (Schoon Fact: Brian Schoonaert is a big fan of women in tight/skimpy clothing, he would simply prefer they be of north of voting age.)
2) Digital Yoda sucks.
I spent a good chunk of my weekend watching the Star Wars (much to my wife’s dismay) and I groaned every time the little computer generated frog spun about with his laser sword. And why was he wearing bike shorts?!? I mean come on, I---Oh. Sorry. I was thinking on my first topic.
3) I am too cool for the zoo.
This was actually a couple of weeks back but who’s counting? Rachael and I took our nephew Kyle to the zoo. Now the last time I went to the zoo I brought a sack lunch and a permission slip, so I really didn’t know what to expect.
Oh wait.
Yes I did.
Stench and lazy animals. Not one of these captive critters could so much as break into a jog. Hell most of them were lounging in the sun. I paid my nine dollars, damn it! Dance for me! Oh well, at least the kid had fun.
I’m sure I learned many other exciting things but I’ll save them for later.
--BJS
I've been in a bit of a funk lately and not really in the mood for blogging. So I thought I'd transfer a couple of posts from my old Myspace blog. I'm planning on killing my Myspace page soon so this site will be a life raft for some odd bits. I'll be back soon with some funky fresh words and phrases, but for now this will have to do. Enjoy.
Friday, May 23, 2008
You down with DVD?
About a year ago I got one of those DVD burners. I thought it would be nice (aka cheap) to copy some of my old college footage and give it to my groomsmen as wedding gifts. Now, with a potential home purchase, I'm trying to avoid lugging my massive VHS collection into a new dwelling. For those of you without one of these suckers it's pretty sweet. You simply put in the tape, hit record, and whammy! Easily stored (and durable) digital goodness. The real fun though is seeing all the crap I've recorded over the years. It's funny how you misremember some events. Examples:
1) I always thought I was a cute, precocious, and all around swell child. However, thanks to cruel cold video, I found that I was an obnoxious, hyperactive, package of evil. I remember vividly doing "funny" things as a child. Making the adults laugh with my quick wit. Turns out no one was laughing. It's a strange thing to watch a small child on the television machine and wish them harm.
2) Brian Schoonaert is not funny. Watching college footage now and I hear myself cutting jokes. People laugh but I think that was just from alcohol.
3) Good lord we drank a lot in College!
4) My college friends, both male and female, were (are) good looking people. Honestly kids, go online and watch some YouTube footage of college kids. Not Spring Break crap, like house parties. Chances are they are uglier than my Ball State peeps.
5) Ryan Biggs is funny. Of course I knew this, but I didn't realize just how well his humor held up. I'm watching footage from nearly a decade ago and cracking up. Of course if you don't know Biggs this means nothing to you. Feel free to skip down.
6) Network television has offered up some strange programming over the years and, for some reason, I've recorded most of it. Old Godzilla movies, documentaries on Bozo The Clown (not to be confused with Bozo The Accountant), pro wrestling from Japan, etc., Not only have these treasures been watched by myself, but I felt the need to record them. I know. I'm strange.
7) My Mom had a great laugh.
--BJS
Monday, April 07, 2008
Things I learned over the weekend
1) I’m old.
I say this because I now go to the mall and am shocked, shocked I say, by what the young whippersnappers are wearing. A ten-year-old’s ass should not be "juicy" nor should it be covered by scraps of cloth that I’m told are shorts. This just tells me that clothes are designed by pervy old men. You don’t see guys having to wear ass huggers with "oak" printed on the crotch. Just weird.
And while I’m on the subject, I know some of you loyal readers are volleyball fans; explain to me why women have to wear the little bike shorts and guys don’t. What’s the logic behind that? (Schoon Fact: Brian Schoonaert is a big fan of women in tight/skimpy clothing, he would simply prefer they be of north of voting age.)
2) Digital Yoda sucks.
I spent a good chunk of my weekend watching the Star Wars (much to my wife’s dismay) and I groaned every time the little computer generated frog spun about with his laser sword. And why was he wearing bike shorts?!? I mean come on, I---Oh. Sorry. I was thinking on my first topic.
3) I am too cool for the zoo.
This was actually a couple of weeks back but who’s counting? Rachael and I took our nephew Kyle to the zoo. Now the last time I went to the zoo I brought a sack lunch and a permission slip, so I really didn’t know what to expect.
Oh wait.
Yes I did.
Stench and lazy animals. Not one of these captive critters could so much as break into a jog. Hell most of them were lounging in the sun. I paid my nine dollars, damn it! Dance for me! Oh well, at least the kid had fun.
I’m sure I learned many other exciting things but I’ll save them for later.
--BJS
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Even More
Welcome back.
I watched a movie called Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter. Yeah, let that roll around your brain for a second. To make matters worse the plot of the movie, and I promise this is true, Christ has returned to earth to defend the lesbians of Canada from a hoard of vampires. Aiding The Savior is Mexican Wrestling legend, El Santo.
Yeah.
The movie is quite possibly the worst flick I’ve ever seen. It appears the film was shot on my Uncle Dean’s home video camera and features a cast of layoffs from Home Depot. Ugh. My soul hurts just thinking about this abomination. And why did I watch this flick? Why did I risk the ire of The Almighty? Because my Mother-In-Law recommended it. I love this woman but perhaps she doesn’t love me. Maybe this was her devious way of getting me out of the picture. If that be true it’s an act of villainy that would make Skeletor blush.
In other news.
The snow has melted and I’m faced with the nastiness that is my lawn. Dead grass mixed with patches of dirt. Humps and hills that have me convinced those worm things from Tremors are napping outside my door. Combine that with the ugliest crab trees in existence and you have my arch nemesis. Since I’ve moved in this monster has destroyed one Weed Eater and taken the lives of two lawn mower blades. My mower is currently huddled in the corner of my garage, too scared to move. Poor little guy.
However, I am far from defeated. Stay tuned for the exciting adventures of: Schoonaert vs. Lawn.
(Good Lord I’m pathetic)
Finally…Watchmen has arrived. Perhaps you haven’t seen the 6,985 ads on your television machine, but Watchmen is the latest of the Comic Book flicks and it has me grinning. Being the cool kid that I am I’ve read Watchmen at least a dozen times and I plan on dragging Rachael to the theater as soon as possible. Heh. I’m trying to convince her to stand up in the middle of the movie and shout: “Isn’t anybody watching these people?!?”
Till next time.
--BJS
I watched a movie called Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter. Yeah, let that roll around your brain for a second. To make matters worse the plot of the movie, and I promise this is true, Christ has returned to earth to defend the lesbians of Canada from a hoard of vampires. Aiding The Savior is Mexican Wrestling legend, El Santo.
Yeah.
The movie is quite possibly the worst flick I’ve ever seen. It appears the film was shot on my Uncle Dean’s home video camera and features a cast of layoffs from Home Depot. Ugh. My soul hurts just thinking about this abomination. And why did I watch this flick? Why did I risk the ire of The Almighty? Because my Mother-In-Law recommended it. I love this woman but perhaps she doesn’t love me. Maybe this was her devious way of getting me out of the picture. If that be true it’s an act of villainy that would make Skeletor blush.
In other news.
The snow has melted and I’m faced with the nastiness that is my lawn. Dead grass mixed with patches of dirt. Humps and hills that have me convinced those worm things from Tremors are napping outside my door. Combine that with the ugliest crab trees in existence and you have my arch nemesis. Since I’ve moved in this monster has destroyed one Weed Eater and taken the lives of two lawn mower blades. My mower is currently huddled in the corner of my garage, too scared to move. Poor little guy.
However, I am far from defeated. Stay tuned for the exciting adventures of: Schoonaert vs. Lawn.
(Good Lord I’m pathetic)
Finally…Watchmen has arrived. Perhaps you haven’t seen the 6,985 ads on your television machine, but Watchmen is the latest of the Comic Book flicks and it has me grinning. Being the cool kid that I am I’ve read Watchmen at least a dozen times and I plan on dragging Rachael to the theater as soon as possible. Heh. I’m trying to convince her to stand up in the middle of the movie and shout: “Isn’t anybody watching these people?!?”
Till next time.
--BJS
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Random Things....
Top Five Things That I Dug Last Week.
5) Hugh Jackman’s Oscar opening number.
This was just funny! If you missed it you really need to catch it on Youtube or something. Him singing about how he didn’t see The Reader nearly brought me to tears.
4) Netflix: My new best friend
Rachael and I got a subscription for Christmas and have been using the hell out of it ever since. Last week I watched a forgotten classic: Monster Squad. If you’ve never seen this movie go right now to a place where movies are rented or sold and rent it. Or buy it. If you liked The Goonies this is even better. And if you didn’t like The Goonies….well then I don’t care to know you. Please leave now.
3) Twilight.
Sigh. Yes. I’m reading Twilight. What, you may ask, would make a Football lovin’, UFC watchin’ dude read a tale of teen romance? Quite simply my wife loves it. No, love isn’t right. What’s stronger then love? Who said plastic?!? Get out of here!Anyway, she’s spellbound with the entire world of Teen Vampire love and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. So I saw the movie and was completely bored. Still, she insisted that the book was much better and I relented. Turns out she was right. (She’s a brilliant lady so that happens a lot.) The characters are surprisingly believable and the story moves at an entertaining pace. Still, there are waaaaay too many passages about how beautiful Edward is. I get it. He’s a good looking cat. Let’s move on.
2) Random Free Channels on my HD TV.
For some reason my HD TV picks up odd ball channels. Over the weekend I was treated to The Dark Knight, There Will Be Blood, and bad 80s porn. There appears to be no rhyme or reason for where these shows come from. Channels will disappear after each movie and, sometimes, the programs are fast forwarded. The bad porn for example. The dialogue scenes were mostly fast forwarded to get to the nastiness. I’m starting to think I’m picking up some creepy neighbors satellite signal. Weird. But highly entertaining. If anyone knows about this phenomena please let me know.
1) Free Whoppers!
I bought one of those “Support a School” coupon book thingies at Burger King and have been livin’ the fatty lifestyle ever since. Why have one Whopper when you can clog your arteries with two for the same price! Heh. See, this is why other countries hate us. I’m convinced the Russians secretly took control of the fast food industry in the mid-80s and are slowly killing us Capitalist pigs with delicious fried cheese. Commie bastards.
Now, for the sake of balance, here are a couple of things the pissed me off last week.
2) They’re making a Spider-Man musical.
This hurts me deep inside. While my love of Spidey is unwavering I have no desire to see this future train wreck.
A dance number with the Daily Bugle Bullpen.
A tearful solo from Mary Jane.
Aunt May singin’ about wheat cakes.
Shudder.
I’ll pass thanks. Though, whomever plays Peter Parker will have to be better than that android they call Tobey.
1) Ann Hathaway needs a sandwich.
I like me some Ann Hathaway. But good lord she’s skinny. Perhaps I’ll use one of my Burger King coupons and send her a double cheese burger.
---BJS
5) Hugh Jackman’s Oscar opening number.
This was just funny! If you missed it you really need to catch it on Youtube or something. Him singing about how he didn’t see The Reader nearly brought me to tears.
4) Netflix: My new best friend
Rachael and I got a subscription for Christmas and have been using the hell out of it ever since. Last week I watched a forgotten classic: Monster Squad. If you’ve never seen this movie go right now to a place where movies are rented or sold and rent it. Or buy it. If you liked The Goonies this is even better. And if you didn’t like The Goonies….well then I don’t care to know you. Please leave now.
3) Twilight.
Sigh. Yes. I’m reading Twilight. What, you may ask, would make a Football lovin’, UFC watchin’ dude read a tale of teen romance? Quite simply my wife loves it. No, love isn’t right. What’s stronger then love? Who said plastic?!? Get out of here!Anyway, she’s spellbound with the entire world of Teen Vampire love and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. So I saw the movie and was completely bored. Still, she insisted that the book was much better and I relented. Turns out she was right. (She’s a brilliant lady so that happens a lot.) The characters are surprisingly believable and the story moves at an entertaining pace. Still, there are waaaaay too many passages about how beautiful Edward is. I get it. He’s a good looking cat. Let’s move on.
2) Random Free Channels on my HD TV.
For some reason my HD TV picks up odd ball channels. Over the weekend I was treated to The Dark Knight, There Will Be Blood, and bad 80s porn. There appears to be no rhyme or reason for where these shows come from. Channels will disappear after each movie and, sometimes, the programs are fast forwarded. The bad porn for example. The dialogue scenes were mostly fast forwarded to get to the nastiness. I’m starting to think I’m picking up some creepy neighbors satellite signal. Weird. But highly entertaining. If anyone knows about this phenomena please let me know.
1) Free Whoppers!
I bought one of those “Support a School” coupon book thingies at Burger King and have been livin’ the fatty lifestyle ever since. Why have one Whopper when you can clog your arteries with two for the same price! Heh. See, this is why other countries hate us. I’m convinced the Russians secretly took control of the fast food industry in the mid-80s and are slowly killing us Capitalist pigs with delicious fried cheese. Commie bastards.
Now, for the sake of balance, here are a couple of things the pissed me off last week.
2) They’re making a Spider-Man musical.
This hurts me deep inside. While my love of Spidey is unwavering I have no desire to see this future train wreck.
A dance number with the Daily Bugle Bullpen.
A tearful solo from Mary Jane.
Aunt May singin’ about wheat cakes.
Shudder.
I’ll pass thanks. Though, whomever plays Peter Parker will have to be better than that android they call Tobey.
1) Ann Hathaway needs a sandwich.
I like me some Ann Hathaway. But good lord she’s skinny. Perhaps I’ll use one of my Burger King coupons and send her a double cheese burger.
---BJS
Thursday, February 19, 2009
One more time with feeling...
Do people still write in diaries?
Honestly, if I wanted to purchase a journal could I even find one or would the clerk just stare at me puzzled?
I ask because this is my third attempt at keeping an active blog. The first two just kind of fizzled out. The classic combo of work, television, and general laziness. But I have to think the folk that keep a diary don’t have these problems. To me a diary is something updated religiously. I doubt you’ll find many diaries with the gapping time holes that most blogs feature. It’s fun to think of some middle aged woman taking out her favorite pen every Tuesday night and chronicling her weekly adventures for the last 30 years. There’s something romantic abou—
What?
Shut up! People have favorite pens! I see. It’s going to be like that is it?
Fine. Whatever.
Anyway, I’m back and hopefully this time for good. My plan is to post here at least once a week. There’s no particular theme to this blog. Just whatever I feel like talking about. Let’s get to it then.
It’s quite strange to see The Mario Bros. in their 8-bit glory on a Hi-Definition TV. I got the video game urge the other day. Sadly I’m not cool enough to have a Wii. So I dusted off my old Nintendo and have been mashing buttons like it’s 1989. Sure the graphics are cheesy and the music is enough to make you wanna kick a puppy. But for the most part these games are just fun. See this is how I know I’m getting old. Well, that and my head’s refusal to grow hair. Stupid head. These games are just fun. But the kicker…I still suck at them.
I still can’t beat Mario 3…
The Ninja Turtles always die on my watch…
And I refuse to believe that anyone has every beaten Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. (Could Tyson be on digital Steriods?)
Still, good times.
In other news a Tyrannosaurs Rex was in my backyard.
Well…no. Not really. I can’t back that up.When Rachael (my lovely bride) and I moved into our new house last summer we had a horrid overgrown pond in the backyard. We decided to rip it out and fill it in, but we ran out of time and Winter crept in before we could fill it. So now we have these nasty Sarlacc pit outside. Thankfully the snow came and made the yard bright and clean. But it never quite snows enough to fully cover the hole. So we’ve got this big ol’ dinosaur footprint staring at us. I need to take a picture because it’s really bizarre looking. What I really want to do is get an exact model of the Superman ship. The one he crashed to Earth in as a baby. Wouldn’t it be cool to put that sucker in there and leave it uncovered? People'd be like, what's that? And I'd be like, Oh, just my ship. Excuse me a momment. I have to go fight crime.Wow.
What a first blog. Nintendo, Dinosaurs, and Superman. Why my wife loves me I’ll never now.
---BJS
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