Grab Bag

Howdy.

I've been in a bit of a funk lately and not really in the mood for blogging. So I thought I'd transfer a couple of posts from my old Myspace blog. I'm planning on killing my Myspace page soon so this site will be a life raft for some odd bits. I'll be back soon with some funky fresh words and phrases, but for now this will have to do. Enjoy.

Friday, May 23, 2008
You down with DVD?
About a year ago I got one of those DVD burners. I thought it would be nice (aka cheap) to copy some of my old college footage and give it to my groomsmen as wedding gifts. Now, with a potential home purchase, I'm trying to avoid lugging my massive VHS collection into a new dwelling. For those of you without one of these suckers it's pretty sweet. You simply put in the tape, hit record, and whammy! Easily stored (and durable) digital goodness. The real fun though is seeing all the crap I've recorded over the years. It's funny how you misremember some events. Examples:

1) I always thought I was a cute, precocious, and all around swell child. However, thanks to cruel cold video, I found that I was an obnoxious, hyperactive, package of evil. I remember vividly doing "funny" things as a child. Making the adults laugh with my quick wit. Turns out no one was laughing. It's a strange thing to watch a small child on the television machine and wish them harm.

2) Brian Schoonaert is not funny. Watching college footage now and I hear myself cutting jokes. People laugh but I think that was just from alcohol.

3) Good lord we drank a lot in College!

4) My college friends, both male and female, were (are) good looking people. Honestly kids, go online and watch some YouTube footage of college kids. Not Spring Break crap, like house parties. Chances are they are uglier than my Ball State peeps.

5) Ryan Biggs is funny. Of course I knew this, but I didn't realize just how well his humor held up. I'm watching footage from nearly a decade ago and cracking up. Of course if you don't know Biggs this means nothing to you. Feel free to skip down.

6) Network television has offered up some strange programming over the years and, for some reason, I've recorded most of it. Old Godzilla movies, documentaries on Bozo The Clown (not to be confused with Bozo The Accountant), pro wrestling from Japan, etc., Not only have these treasures been watched by myself, but I felt the need to record them. I know. I'm strange.

7) My Mom had a great laugh.

--BJS

Monday, April 07, 2008
Things I learned over the weekend

1) I’m old.
I say this because I now go to the mall and am shocked, shocked I say, by what the young whippersnappers are wearing. A ten-year-old’s ass should not be "juicy" nor should it be covered by scraps of cloth that I’m told are shorts. This just tells me that clothes are designed by pervy old men. You don’t see guys having to wear ass huggers with "oak" printed on the crotch. Just weird.
And while I’m on the subject, I know some of you loyal readers are volleyball fans; explain to me why women have to wear the little bike shorts and guys don’t. What’s the logic behind that? (Schoon Fact: Brian Schoonaert is a big fan of women in tight/skimpy clothing, he would simply prefer they be of north of voting age.)

2) Digital Yoda sucks.
I spent a good chunk of my weekend watching the Star Wars (much to my wife’s dismay) and I groaned every time the little computer generated frog spun about with his laser sword. And why was he wearing bike shorts?!? I mean come on, I---Oh. Sorry. I was thinking on my first topic.

3) I am too cool for the zoo.
This was actually a couple of weeks back but who’s counting? Rachael and I took our nephew Kyle to the zoo. Now the last time I went to the zoo I brought a sack lunch and a permission slip, so I really didn’t know what to expect.
Oh wait.
Yes I did.
Stench and lazy animals. Not one of these captive critters could so much as break into a jog. Hell most of them were lounging in the sun. I paid my nine dollars, damn it! Dance for me! Oh well, at least the kid had fun.

I’m sure I learned many other exciting things but I’ll save them for later.

--BJS

Even More

Welcome back.

I watched a movie called Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter. Yeah, let that roll around your brain for a second. To make matters worse the plot of the movie, and I promise this is true, Christ has returned to earth to defend the lesbians of Canada from a hoard of vampires. Aiding The Savior is Mexican Wrestling legend, El Santo.

Yeah.

The movie is quite possibly the worst flick I’ve ever seen. It appears the film was shot on my Uncle Dean’s home video camera and features a cast of layoffs from Home Depot. Ugh. My soul hurts just thinking about this abomination. And why did I watch this flick? Why did I risk the ire of The Almighty? Because my Mother-In-Law recommended it. I love this woman but perhaps she doesn’t love me. Maybe this was her devious way of getting me out of the picture. If that be true it’s an act of villainy that would make Skeletor blush.

In other news.

The snow has melted and I’m faced with the nastiness that is my lawn. Dead grass mixed with patches of dirt. Humps and hills that have me convinced those worm things from Tremors are napping outside my door. Combine that with the ugliest crab trees in existence and you have my arch nemesis. Since I’ve moved in this monster has destroyed one Weed Eater and taken the lives of two lawn mower blades. My mower is currently huddled in the corner of my garage, too scared to move. Poor little guy.
However, I am far from defeated. Stay tuned for the exciting adventures of: Schoonaert vs. Lawn.
(Good Lord I’m pathetic)

Finally…Watchmen has arrived. Perhaps you haven’t seen the 6,985 ads on your television machine, but Watchmen is the latest of the Comic Book flicks and it has me grinning. Being the cool kid that I am I’ve read Watchmen at least a dozen times and I plan on dragging Rachael to the theater as soon as possible. Heh. I’m trying to convince her to stand up in the middle of the movie and shout: “Isn’t anybody watching these people?!?”

Till next time.

--BJS

Random Things....

Top Five Things That I Dug Last Week.

5) Hugh Jackman’s Oscar opening number.

This was just funny! If you missed it you really need to catch it on Youtube or something. Him singing about how he didn’t see The Reader nearly brought me to tears.

4) Netflix: My new best friend

Rachael and I got a subscription for Christmas and have been using the hell out of it ever since. Last week I watched a forgotten classic: Monster Squad. If you’ve never seen this movie go right now to a place where movies are rented or sold and rent it. Or buy it. If you liked The Goonies this is even better. And if you didn’t like The Goonies….well then I don’t care to know you. Please leave now.

3) Twilight.

Sigh. Yes. I’m reading Twilight. What, you may ask, would make a Football lovin’, UFC watchin’ dude read a tale of teen romance? Quite simply my wife loves it. No, love isn’t right. What’s stronger then love? Who said plastic?!? Get out of here!Anyway, she’s spellbound with the entire world of Teen Vampire love and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. So I saw the movie and was completely bored. Still, she insisted that the book was much better and I relented. Turns out she was right. (She’s a brilliant lady so that happens a lot.) The characters are surprisingly believable and the story moves at an entertaining pace. Still, there are waaaaay too many passages about how beautiful Edward is. I get it. He’s a good looking cat. Let’s move on.

2) Random Free Channels on my HD TV.

For some reason my HD TV picks up odd ball channels. Over the weekend I was treated to The Dark Knight, There Will Be Blood, and bad 80s porn. There appears to be no rhyme or reason for where these shows come from. Channels will disappear after each movie and, sometimes, the programs are fast forwarded. The bad porn for example. The dialogue scenes were mostly fast forwarded to get to the nastiness. I’m starting to think I’m picking up some creepy neighbors satellite signal. Weird. But highly entertaining. If anyone knows about this phenomena please let me know.

1) Free Whoppers!

I bought one of those “Support a School” coupon book thingies at Burger King and have been livin’ the fatty lifestyle ever since. Why have one Whopper when you can clog your arteries with two for the same price! Heh. See, this is why other countries hate us. I’m convinced the Russians secretly took control of the fast food industry in the mid-80s and are slowly killing us Capitalist pigs with delicious fried cheese. Commie bastards.


Now, for the sake of balance, here are a couple of things the pissed me off last week.

2) They’re making a Spider-Man musical.

This hurts me deep inside. While my love of Spidey is unwavering I have no desire to see this future train wreck.
A dance number with the Daily Bugle Bullpen.
A tearful solo from Mary Jane.
Aunt May singin’ about wheat cakes.

Shudder.
I’ll pass thanks. Though, whomever plays Peter Parker will have to be better than that android they call Tobey.

1) Ann Hathaway needs a sandwich.

I like me some Ann Hathaway. But good lord she’s skinny. Perhaps I’ll use one of my Burger King coupons and send her a double cheese burger.

---BJS

One more time with feeling...

Do people still write in diaries?

Honestly, if I wanted to purchase a journal could I even find one or would the clerk just stare at me puzzled?

I ask because this is my third attempt at keeping an active blog. The first two just kind of fizzled out. The classic combo of work, television, and general laziness. But I have to think the folk that keep a diary don’t have these problems. To me a diary is something updated religiously. I doubt you’ll find many diaries with the gapping time holes that most blogs feature. It’s fun to think of some middle aged woman taking out her favorite pen every Tuesday night and chronicling her weekly adventures for the last 30 years. There’s something romantic abou—

What?

Shut up! People have favorite pens! I see. It’s going to be like that is it?

Fine. Whatever.

Anyway, I’m back and hopefully this time for good. My plan is to post here at least once a week. There’s no particular theme to this blog. Just whatever I feel like talking about. Let’s get to it then.

It’s quite strange to see The Mario Bros. in their 8-bit glory on a Hi-Definition TV. I got the video game urge the other day. Sadly I’m not cool enough to have a Wii. So I dusted off my old Nintendo and have been mashing buttons like it’s 1989. Sure the graphics are cheesy and the music is enough to make you wanna kick a puppy. But for the most part these games are just fun. See this is how I know I’m getting old. Well, that and my head’s refusal to grow hair. Stupid head. These games are just fun. But the kicker…I still suck at them.

I still can’t beat Mario 3…

The Ninja Turtles always die on my watch…

And I refuse to believe that anyone has every beaten Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. (Could Tyson be on digital Steriods?)

Still, good times.

In other news a Tyrannosaurs Rex was in my backyard.

Well…no. Not really. I can’t back that up.When Rachael (my lovely bride) and I moved into our new house last summer we had a horrid overgrown pond in the backyard. We decided to rip it out and fill it in, but we ran out of time and Winter crept in before we could fill it. So now we have these nasty Sarlacc pit outside. Thankfully the snow came and made the yard bright and clean. But it never quite snows enough to fully cover the hole. So we’ve got this big ol’ dinosaur footprint staring at us. I need to take a picture because it’s really bizarre looking. What I really want to do is get an exact model of the Superman ship. The one he crashed to Earth in as a baby. Wouldn’t it be cool to put that sucker in there and leave it uncovered? People'd be like, what's that? And I'd be like, Oh, just my ship. Excuse me a momment. I have to go fight crime.Wow.

What a first blog. Nintendo, Dinosaurs, and Superman. Why my wife loves me I’ll never now.

---BJS